


Neil Josten vs the world

by Sharking



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Demisexuality, Homelessness, Hurt Neil Josten, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Unreliable Narrator, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 17:41:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28710636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharking/pseuds/Sharking
Summary: Neil Josten started to feel more and more real. He made friends, he ran cross country, he went over for dinner at peoples houses. As it turns out other people didn’t find him as convincing.-Neil’s cross country friends try to figure out who he is and he freaks out
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 22
Kudos: 102





	1. Neil flees the cross country scene

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: panic attacks, homelessness, starvation, poverty, rape/non-con is alluded to, paranoia, scars 
> 
> All the good stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: panic attacks, dissociation, scars, brief implication of Andrew's past life, homelessness, starvation
> 
> All but the panic attack are not described in great detail

He didn't know why this thought freaked him out so much. The idea that he was different. In one of the areas almost everyone was the same, one of the few he had fairly good odds at being the same as his peers, he had to be different. And he was so so so different, that his acquaintances gave him weird looks when he spoke his truth. He'd have to hide yet another thing about himself. It was exhausting.

He had no desire for sex. Never saw someone and thought of having sex with them. Hadn't entertained the idea of ever having a one night stand, or a hookup, or any other "normal" highschool thing. They all spoke of sex like it was a drug. Like they couldn't live without it. For some, it was just something they liked and they reprimanded their more extreme peers. Even those casual participators were seen as abnormal. He supposes this was the group he'd been sorted into when he avoided talk of sex all together. Or maybe they thought he was a Mormon.

It was the cross country team of all things that made him realize he was abnormal. Jin and Eva tried ranking who were the hottest girls in the whole school while Penelope and Mark ranked the guys. It was casual. Conversation to have when they jogged. Neil was stuck between them.

Jin interrupted over his shoulder, "Okay, y'all are crazy for not putting Isaiah higher on the list. He'd be my number one."

Penny laughed, "Careful Kim you're bi side is showing."

And he laughed it off, "I'm not blind, Neil back me up here."

The group rounded a corner and suddenly everyone was waiting for his contribution to their conversation. This group of five had been running partners since the start of the season. They were the fast-but-not-fastest group. Neil knew he was good enough for the fast group but couldn't bring himself to put that sort of attention on himself. He knew everyone fawned over the fastest group. The sex crazed masses spoke about their calves and thighs and ponytails and tank tops. Neil wouldn't put himself in that position.

"Neil?" Eva was the one to break him from his stupor.

He shook his head and let out a little questioning sound. They all laughed, "You can't tell me even you haven't noticed Isaiah's godliness." Mark finally asked through a chuckle.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He was getting defensive. He knew he was, but he couldn't stop it. The energy in the group changed. Eva and Jin stopped looking over their shoulders and seemed to side eye each other. Their smiles were wobbling.

He'd fucked up again. Couldn't control a simple reaction to an innocent question.

"Well," it was Penny, "you never talk about anyone. Are you secretly dating someone or something? I mean it just doesn't really make sense. That's all."

He stayed silent for a moment too long, "Please stay out of my business."

If someone said that to Neil he knew it would have just made him more curious. But these were his running mates who meant well but often overstepped boundaries. When he told them something was off limits they didn't talk about it again. They said they wouldn't at least. They tried not to. Okay, Eva was a blabbermouth and where she went they followed. But they at least tried to be considerate. Kind of.

Silence fell over the group. Neil felt so dumb.

"Sorry, I just don't like talking about that stuff."

And they all smiled, stopped on a corner waiting for the crosswalk. "Dude we don't care, we just don't want to exclude you or anything." They were so nice. It was annoying. He bet they had a little talk about how to handle this situation. He didn't want to be the topic of anyone's conversation.

"I mean I'm gay, Eva's the biggest lesbian I've ever me-" he was interrupted with a shove and a "hey!", "We don't care man."

He looked down at his shoes, "It's not like that. Let's please drop it."

He knew Jin, their unofficial leader, was trying to make eye contact with him. Neil couldn't bring himself to meet the caring black eyes he was sure would be there if he looked up. He kept his eyes on his feet until the crosswalk beeped at them. His shoes were falling apart.

The rest of the run was filled by Penelope's anecdotes from drama class. There was this crazy kid who acted like a cat the entire class. The teacher had shown them videos of mimes for the entire 90 minute period and no one said anything. This girl spilled her water bottle three times in a row. It was a class of characters who's stories held off Neil's anxiety.

Penny really could spin a yarn. That's a phrase Mark taught him, it means to tell a story. He played it off as if it wasn't a thing on the west coast. Neil didn't know how he'd never heard the phrase before in all the places he'd been. To this group he was from Bend, Oregon. Neil tried hard to fend off the slight accent he knew people said he had. When he was talking to himself it came out. It made him feel sick. To the public, he had the most "neutral" American voice you could think of. All the people here had the slightest twang in their voices. Certain words and vowels flowed differently. Neil liked it.

They got back to the school a few minutes before the other groups, besides the fastest group of course. They all threw on sweatshirts aside from Neil and gathered up their keys and water bottles and backpacks. Eva was driving Mark and Penny home as she always did and Penny gave him a hug from where she was standing as they started to head out. Neil watched as they told coach they were leaving. The man waved them off and they just laughed. He'd coached them for years, knew they always left early, told them repeatedly they didn't have to say goodbye. They still did it every time.

Neil was so caught up in his thoughts he hadn't realized Jin had sat down next to him until he turned his head and flinched at the sudden presence. This was not a good day for Neil's casual front. It was peeling at the edges.

Neil reached for his toe and felt the deep stretch of his thigh. Jin was born flexible. He never stretched after their runs. It was unexplainable. It also made his presence more confusing. He just sat there, a foot or two from Neil, staring out at the sprinters doing their final 200s of the day .

Then he remembered, "Oh, you actually don't have to give me a ride today."

How could he have forgotten. And made him stick around longer too? Traffic out of the parking lot would suck at this time. Neil was off his game in a major way.

"Your mom got off work?"

Shit, he forgot he told him that. Neil just nodded but Jin clearly wasn't relenting, "I'd love to meet her if that's okay. You've met my parents, it's only fair I meet yours."

And Neil felt sick. He just nodded again. Stupid decision. Stupid stupid stupid.

"Um," Neil had to think his way out of this, "She's not coming for a while though. So maybe another day?"

Jin just smiled. Annoyingly bright when the sky was so grey, "I've got nowhere else to be." He was calling Neil's bluff. Fuck.

Jinsung Kim was a right fucking asshole. That's not even true. He was nice. Charming. He was involved and kind and genuine. He gave Neil rides when he needed them. He offered to give Neil his old pair of running sneakers(even though he was 4 sizes bigger than Neil). He offered to "spot him" when the team went for dinner and Neil "forgot his wallet". He was kind. But he was an asshole.

Everyone had left. There was no one left on the track. No one left in the whole school except for the custodial staff. It had been two hours. Jin had to know no one was coming for him to meet.

"You can go Jin. We don't have to do this."

Neil hung his head between his knees. They sat on the pavement and felt the first drops of an incoming storm wet their shoulders. He felt absolutely fucking miserable. Jin was still smiling. It made him feel so fucking small. He wanted to punch him. He wanted to hit him and ask him if this is what he wanted? To humiliate him? What was the point of all of this? What was the point.

"Do what Neil?"

This was fucking humiliating.

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Why won't you tell me the truth?" And Neil had to laugh at that. What could this southern preachers kid know about the truth. He knew nothing. He was just a do gooder who didn't know when to quit.

"Why won't you leave me alone?"

"Why won't your mom pick you up?"

"Leave me alone!", Neil was shaking. Shaking with anger and fear and exhaustion and fury.

"Where's your mom, where are your parents?"

"That's none of your fucking business!"

"Where do you live Neil?"

"Fuck you! Fuck you. Fuck you because you know the answers! You know what I'm going to say but you want me to say it. Do you get some sick satisfaction from this? It's none of your fucking concern and you're not going to do anything about it. You're all fucking talk Jin. You couldn't do anything if you tried. Leave me the fuck alone."

Neil picked up his bag and stormed away, today was not a good day for his facade. Someone knew the truth. Someone knew enough. He had to leave this fucking town.

"Neil!" And he froze in his stride, seething with anger, he wouldn't be surprised if the rain sizzled when it came into contact with him "Stay the night at mine. Let me do this for you, just one night and then you'll never hear from me again if that's what you want."

Neil turned around and didn't expect Jin to be so close. He stumbled back, "I don't owe you shit."

"You're homeless Neil. This isn't a joke anymore. This is serious." And Jin looked at him with such a deep sadness in his eyes that Neil couldn't look away. This was just some boy. Someone who didn't have any reason to care about him.

"I know." And the tears started falling. He didn't know why this was the breaking point. The rain fell hard and the school was empty and this stupid boy was unrelenting. Neil let his head hang low, tucked his hands against his eyes to stop the flow of tears, it was a fruitless attempt. Everything was too much. It was all too much.

"Can I hug you?" Jin sounded like he was crying too.

"No. Don't touch me. Please."

"Okay."

-

Neil picked up Korean from the neighbors they'd had in Pittsburgh. He made friends with a little girl who was maybe 10 while their parents spoke business. He was probably too old to be playing with her. She didn't seem to mind.

They learned to speak each other's languages slowly but surely. 

Five months later he got shot in the shoulder and they left.

He remembered enough to make conversation with Jin's parents. They were nice. Didn't mind that he flubbed simple sentences. They appreciated the effort and gushed over how handsome and smart he was and how his parents must be very proud. He could see their son making a "cut-it-out" gesture behind him but it was okay. They were just old people. Old people who let him stay the night.

Jin had probably picked up on the whole homeless thing when he dropped Neil off at the end of a long driveway and Neil would wave until he drove away. He had probably driven almost out of view once when Neil had grown complicit. Had seen Neil hop a fence down a driveway and climb into an abandoned shed. It was fairly nice. There was an old woman who lived there. The door to the shed had been locked so long that dust collected on everything inside. It was warm in the night. It was perfect.

Upon some self reflection Neil realizes it was most definitely his fault that Jin had picked up on his situation. Likely his whole . . . friend group? He knows that's what anyone else would call it. He didn't know if they were friends. Didn't really have any frame of reference for that sort of thing. Well, they all probably knew. They had likely discussed it while he wasn't around to hear.  
He knew they all typed in codes when they got lunch. He never had to. He was part of the free and reduced lunch program. His "mother" was a nurse and single mom. They couldn't afford luxuries like extra milk or a cookie for a dollar more as far as the school was concerned. His friends never commented. He never said anything.

He had complained to them about his shoes so often it was hard to ignore. They were a shitty brand in shitty condition. He had considered duct taping the soles to the rest of the shoe when they inevitably peeled back far enough to flap. That would probably look too trashy though. Goodwill might be the way to go. Either that or go snooping on front porches. He wasn't above it. If they were stupid enough to leave them out front they probably wouldn't be devastated to find them missing. He'd do it a town over though so nobody recognized their stolen shoes on his feet.

And then there was the issue of forbidden topics. He wasn't usually this upfront about what he'd rather not discuss. They were smart though, picked up on his discomfort or were able to pinpoint the exact causes for his panic attacks. Fathers were a no go, mothers were hit or Miss, home was best to avoid, food was fine unless you spoke of feeling starved, oddly enough road trips weren't great and neither was ironing. They hadn't quite figured out what he could possibly have against the last two. Neil intended to keep it this way.

It didn't take a genius to see through Neil's flimsy facade. In fact these four had pretty much pulled at the corner of it and the whole thing fell right off. That white stuff still covered the truth, but they knew what he'd told them hadn't been real. The facade was revealed to be just that, a facade.

Homeless was a much more reasonable jump than orphan of a killer for hire. He was lucky most of his scars could be covered by long sleeves and pants. He usually wore a long sleeve compression shirt and leggings under his shorts and tshirt when he went running. The group made fun of him at first for "looking like a grandpa" but they leaned off when they realized he was planning on wearing that stuff everyday.

Only Mark had seen even the smallest glimpse of his scars. He had been changing as he usually did, long after everyone else had left. Only him and the athletic directors office with the blinds down. His coach held both those positions as well as teaching health classes. It had made for a very awkward sex talk. The man only left his office when Neil knocked on the door. Technically it was a "last-out" knocks rule but that always fell on Neil unless he wasn't at practice. Which had happened only once when Penny had to take him out of their shared last period because of a panic attack.

He had been wiping himself down by the sinks when the door opened suddenly. He hadn't even heard anyone in the hallway before. Coach wouldn't come back here would he? Unless he was going to-

No. He wouldn't do that. Then who was stepping up to the bathroom door?

"Wait! Don't come in here."

He did his best to yell but whoever it was must have had earbuds in or something. The locker room was separated from the bathrooms and showers by one door. It didn't have a lock, it swung open. It was bound to swing open any second and he didn't have a shirt on. Neil darted for it and held the handle tight. A half a second after he grabbed it someone pulled it from the other side.

"Oh shit, what? Hello?"

Thank god it was Mark, "Uh, I'm still in here."

"Dude I need to take a shit can you let me in?"

"Okay give me a second. Don't come in until I say so," Fuck this all sounded so suspicious. Neil didn't know where he'd go. He had been stupid and left his clean clothes on the bench in the locker room.

"Neil are you okay dud-" and when Neil turned around Mark was opening the door and looking at him with wide eyes.

"Get out! Get out!"

And he was frozen for a half second before he started freaking the fuck out, "Wait Mark. Wait I-" he said through the door, "Don't tell anyone okay? Please."

There was a terrible silence on the other side. He could imagine Marks expression. The shock and fear in his eyes would probably be burned forever into Neil's memory. Mark would never see him the same, fuck. The man on the other side of the door finally inhaled loud enough to tell Neil he was about to speak, "Neil is someone hurting you?"

And he wasn't really expecting that. Didn't know what he expected. He felt so exposed. He felt so violated. And by Mark of all people. God damn it.

His breath was shaky. He was off kilter. He was off balanced. He was off. He couldn't afford to be off, "Not anymore. Don't tell the rest of them okay?"

And he could hear him contemplating on the other side. If Mark told anyone Neil wouldn't have a choice. He'd have to leave. And fuck if that wouldn't be suspicious as all hell.

"Okay. But you have to talk to me. I'll wait for you in the hall, okay?" God Neil hadn't known relief like that in years.

"Okay. Give me five minutes."

"Take your time."

He'd finished his wipe down, put on his fresh set of clothes. A green grey sweatshirt and jeans. He'd be wearing them to school tomorrow. He knocked on his coach's door, the man came out, "Was that you I heard earlier? Making a fuss or something?"

Neil shook his hand, "Mark," And coach accepted that. Mark was nothing if not loud. A great scapegoat.

Coach and Mark exchanged some words but it went right past Neil's head. He couldn't focus. Shit, he couldn't focus, "Neil, you ready to get out of here?"

He nodded and waved to coach. They walked to the student parking lot in silence.

"My moms making Asado tonight. Would you like to come over for dinner? We could talk afterwards?"

He just nodded. Tired and wired tight. A warm meal would be nice. He was pretty sure the last can of beans he opened had mold growing on the top of it. Mark's mom was a notoriously amazing cook. Though he didn't know what asado was he was sure she'd live up to her reputation. Neil's standards weren't high.

When they were both warm and full Mark dragged him up to his room, his mom called out a "leave the door cracked mister." And he laughed and yelled back, "he doesn't swing my way mama." He didn't have the energy to decode that. He was fucking exhausted. His inner monologue featured far more fucks and shits than it usually did, a testimony to how out of it he was.

"So, when you say no ones hurting you anymore. . ."

He didn't beat around the bush. Penny would have preferred figurative language, Mark wouldn't.

"My dad hates me. He can't hurt me now, he doesn't know I'm here."

"Did he hurt your mom too?" Neil tried not to think of the sound of her skin pulling from leather seats. Who knew blood could glue skin like that. He fought to keep down his dinner and choked out an affirmation.

"Do you have a restraining order against him or anything?"

"Couldn't afford the lawyers for it. We changed our name's and moved somewhere new." It wasn't too different from the truth. Still, it felt too harsh a story to tell Mark. He couldn't imagine his reaction to the real thing.

"Yeah we are very far from Oregon."

"Far enough."

"Do you have scar cream?", And this Neil hadn't expected. He pushed against the heaviness of his head. His exhaustion was really coming forward in this warm home, "No?"

He watched with half open eyes as Mark left the room, yelled in Spanish to his family, got a yelled response, neither of which sounded aggressive or angry. He moved down the hallways, rummaged through some drawer or cupboard, and came back to sit in front of Neil. "Here, once I show you this you ought to get some sleep. You look tired as fuck."

Mark took Neil's hand in his. "Will you push up your sleeve?"

Neil felt tiredness leave him instantly. A flash of adrenaline, "I've already seen them Neil. Let me help."

So he pushed up the black sleeve to reveal a string of burn's and cuts. Some were newer and some had been given to him before he could form memories. They'd always been a part of him, like a birthmark or a freckle.

Mark worried his lip and tried to keep his eyebrows in a neutral position. They pushed up anyway. He didn't hide his concern well, "Your dad must have been some piece of shit huh?"

Neil just nodded. Understatement of the year.

"This is the cream my brother used for his surgery scars. They help keep the skin moisturized and stops it from cracking or chafing. I think it could help with some of the thicker scar tissue you have." He rubbed some of the lotion between his hands before dangling his hands above Neil's arms. When he nodded Mark began to rub the cream in. It was warm. Neil wanted to cry.

"You don't deserve what he did to you Neil. No one does."  
And Mark actively ignored the tears that slipped down his face. He wiped them away quickly enough that Neil could ignore them too if he wanted.

"Can I ask you about something else?"

Neil nodded, didn't trust his voice.

"When we were talking about the guys and girls, you know, how hot they are and everything? You seemed to clam up a bit. Can I ask what that was about?"

Neil would have to see if his voice would work in his favor, "I don't imagine it. Sex with people. I don't want it." He wasn't feeling particularly eloquent. Whatever.

"That's okay," Mark kept rubbing his arms, rubbing a little harder and deeper at the burned thick skin, "Do you know about Asexuality?" He switched to the other arm and kept his touches gentle but effective.

Neil shook his head.

Mark smiled, "It means you don't experience sexual attraction. You can still masturbate or even have sex, it just means you don't find people sexually attractive. A lot of people are Ace, my sister's best friend is." The whole time he talked he rubbed the cream in. It felt like a massage, he wish he had enough nerve endings left to feel the relief, "There's also things where you're only sexually attracted to someone if you get to know them really well. That's called demisexual I'm pretty sure. I think I have a book you can borrow if you want?"

He grabbed more of the cream and pushed Neil's sleeves up a little more. He wrapped his hand around his bicep and Neil couldn't help but tense up. Mark was kind and considerate but he didn't notice. Neil felt frozen. All he was doing was rubbing lotion into Neil's skin but it set his brain alight. His breathing picked up.

This, Mark did notice. He backed off and talked Neil off the ledge of panic. He let him sleep in his bed and didn't bring up either of the topics they'd discussed. Neil didn't talk about this kind of thing with anyone. How had Mark pulled the information from him so easily? Had Neil fallen for the warmth?

He kept this encounter in mind when he found himself sat at Jin's dinner table. Where Mark's house was always alive even into the late hours of the night, Jin's was quiet and calm. It wasn't bad. It was a nice change to the uncomfortable silence of the shed. It showed him that quiet didn't have to be suffocating.

He wondered what it had looked like when Jin saw him break into the building. Probably pathetic.

They'd eaten dinner in silence while a record played in the background. His parents had eaten earlier so Neil and Jin ate the leftovers far too late at night. It was still delicious.

He wouldn't let himself be lulled into the same sense of comfort he'd found in Mark's home. He wondered if he kept his promises, maybe Jin already knew about his scars. Neil was sure he suspected something.

Once he finished eating, significantly faster than Neil, Jin got up from the table to change the record. He switched it from a crooning slow song to something they'd play at a 60's dance. He stood in the living room doing what might have been the twist? Neil didn't know. It did make him laugh though which made the dancer smile and beckon Neil to join him. He shook his head and Jin accepted his answer. Instead he pulled his mom in from the other room and swayed with her. Neil had to look away, it felt awfully private. He tried to ignore what little he understood of their quiet conversation.

His phone buzzed on the table sending a little vibration through Neil's hands. It was a weird feeling and he couldn't help but look at the phone which was face up on the table. It was a text from Eva. Neil didn't want to interrupt the moment the mother and son were having but maybe he'd want to know? Neil tapped the surface of the phone, his intention was to make the notification go away but he frankly had little to no knowledge of how smart phones worked. Just another addition to the traits that made him in Pennys words, "both the grandpa and infant of the friend group". It sounded natural when she said it.

Instead of getting rid of the notification it opened the text. There wasn't even a password on his phone. The record moved to a slower song, Jin held his mom close. Neil looked back to the phone,

"Did he tell you anything?"

His heart beat spiked. Fuck. That was probably about him right? Shit. Fuck fuck fuck.

Neil scrolled further up in their conversation. He wanted to vomit. They'd been texting back and forth. Eva didn't trust him, she had sent Jin after him. Told him to find out about Neil's past, "no matter what it takes". Fuck.

Jin's father took his wife into his arms and swayed with her. Jin laughed and started walking back to the dining room table.  
Shit.

Neil scrambled to stand, jarring the chair loudly, "I'm going. Thank you for dinner," he thanked Jin's parents in Korean that he knew sounded stilted and rough, "Goodbye Jin."

And he ran.

Fuck, Eva had definitely been in the car a few times when he had been dropped off. He couldn't go back there. At least he had his bag with him. The only thing still in the shed was his molding food supply. And the scar cream. Fuck. 

He tried not to let himself be slowed down by the bag. Clutched it tightly to himself and ran with the sting of betrayal curling tight in his throat. He didn't know where to go.

And of course

Of course Jin ran after him

And of course his shoe would decide that was the moment it was going to give out

And of course he had no where to go and no one who he could turn to

And he didn't know what he was going to do.

He stayed in motion as he managed to free his foot of the broken shoe. He kicked the other off as well and tried to maintain his speed. Jin hadn't made it into the fast group, Neil could've. The sting of gravel in his socked feet propelled him forward faster and faster. He eventually heard the footsteps chasing him fall further behind. He had lost him, but now where would he go. What the fuck was he going to do.

He had a flip phone, it was in his bag. Maybe he could look through the contacts and see if any of his acquaintances would take him in for the night. Although he saw how that ended one time and wasn't eager to have a repeat.

Neil ran a few more miles, guaranteeing he'd lost his chaser and thought what the fuck had Eva meant by "No matter what it takes." Neil felt like he was going to throw up.

He did.

It must have been 10 at night and he was all alone. His friends, who he'd thought were his friends, had abandoned him. They hadn't trusted him. They'd tricked him into revealing things about himself.

He tried to make himself hate them. He could hate Eva. He did hate Eva. He might have even hated Jin. But Mark and Penny? He didn't know if he could hate them. He was gonna try to though.

He had apparently caught the attention of whoever's yard he was throwing up in because a porch light flicked on and someone was calling out "hello?". At the same time headlights flashed down the street and Jin's familiar Honda came into view. Shit. Shit shit shit.

"Neil?"

Beside the man who had first opened the door was. . .

was his lab partner from last year. Well no, he didn't quite look right. Maybe it was the sickness and panic getting to his head.

"Neil! Is that you?"

Jin called from the car. He knew it was Neil, of course he knew it was Neil. Who the fuck else would be running at this time of night without shoes on.

"Why don't you come back. We can talk this over, okay?"

Neil was still fucking gasping, fuck he was panicking. Vomit dribbled down his chin and the bile burned his throat. Every cold inhale felt like sandpaper. His arms gave out and then was laying in the grass. it was cold and wet. 

He was seeing double, his partner had multiplied. Nope just twins. Neil was so fucking dumb, "Who are you?" One of them must have asked Jin who was now stepping out of his car and closer and closer to Neil.

This must have been the "evil twin" Aaron had told him about. What are the odds he ends up in their yard. He couldn't think. He needed to get out of here. Jin must have been talking to him but when he finally made contact with Neil's shoulder he flinched terribly and scrambled away.

"Get the fuck away from me you psycho."

Neil closed his eyes and braced himself against the bushes he had scrambled into. He was so fucking scared. He had to get out of town, he had to get away. Jin just kept getting closer,

"Just let me explain Neil, it's not what I-"

And then Aaron was between them. Or Andrew. He didn't know. He couldn't tell.

"Leave or I'll kill you."

Definitely the evil twin.

When Jin didn't back down but instead made a noise of confusion there was a flash of silver and Andrew stepped closer to him, "Don't make me repeat myself, leave."

And he did. Honest to god he did.

Neil kept himself coiled tight until the headlights turned the corner. Even then he didn't relax until the rumbling of the engine completely faded away.

It was only then that he looked around.

"Aaron?"

And the boy stumbled from the doorway. He looked less scrawny then last year. He actually looked kind of built. If he wasn't such a nerd Neil might have been wary of him. Spending a semester coming in late to practice because this guy wanted to redo the experiment right this time, had been infuriating. Now he was so god damn grateful he could cry. He didn't. He might have already. He didn't know.

"Sorry for throwing up in your yard."

"Where are your shoes?"

"I lost them."

Somehow this is what broke him out of his frozen state. He stumbled inside to slip on some shoes and walked out in the yard towards Neil. The porch light was barely enough to illuminate him. Neil was still sprawled in the grass breathing heavy. He kept his eyes locked with Aaron.

"Are you freaking out?" Neil forced himself to nod.

"Do you want to come inside?"

This got him the same reaction. When Aaron reached out a hand to help him stand Andrew made his presence known again, "Go inside Aaron."

"No, he's my friend. I'm not leaving him out here."

"Go inside, we'll be there in a minute."

And Aaron huffed, stood from his crouched position and sent Neil a little nod. He didn't know Aaron considered them friends.  
Neil didn't know who the other man in the doorway was but he supposed he'd either ask Aaron later or . . . He wouldn't need to know. Depending on what this man decided to do with him. He prayed he didn't live up to his reputation.

"So," the same twang in Aaron's voice came through, only slightly deeper, "the lab partner."

Neil tried to calm his breathing, "So, the evil twin."

Andrew laughed without changing his expression, it was scary, "Why are you laying in our yard in your own vomit running away from your bestie Jinsung Kim." He put hatred into the last three words. Neil appreciated it.

"He was gonna do something to me."

Something flashed in Andrew's eyes, "Why'd you come here?"

"He chased me when I ran from his house. I didn't know where I was going. I think it was dumb luck."

"What was he going to do to you?"

And Neil lost his easy smile, "I don't know. Something bad."

Andrew turned to look at the street, his profile illuminated by the porch light. "You need a shower. Come inside."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: same as last chapter, plus a little blood and injury

Maybe it was in part due to destiny that he ended up in Aaron's house.

After getting Andrew's approval he called out to his brother and Aaron helped him inside. His feet were bleeding like crazy and his breathing was slowing down at a pace he wasn't proud of. Which is to say not fast at all. Aaron took a lot of his weight and didn't say anything when Neil flinched. That had been one thing he'd always appreciated, Aaron didn't stare at his scars, ask him about his life, or question why he only had 5 outfits and one pair of shoes. He did "accidentally" bring another granola bar to class whenever Neil looked on the verge of passing out. Those were the only small acts of pity he would accept. Passing out would've caused a scene.

Still, Neil didn't know he'd considered them friends.

Their house was nice. He kind of expected Aaron to be like him. Not to the same extent but something similar. His easy acceptance of Neil's obvious money and housing issues apparently meant less than what Neil had taken them to mean. Instead Aaron was wealthy enough to have two stories and crown molding. It was weird. Neil wondered if Aaron had his own room. Wouldn't that be something.

They arrived at the bottom of the stairs and Aaron paused. He was looking up at them with disdain in his eyes. Had anyone ever looked at stairs with that much hatred before. Neil couldn't help but start giggling, he didn't know why. It soon road the border between laughing and sobbing and he couldn't fucking breath again.

Aaron sat him down on the bottom step and was looking at him. Maybe he was talking, Neil didn't know. He couldn't hear. Why couldn't he hear?

And then the next breath hitched and he started to cry in earnest.

Fuck .

He closed his eyes and tried to breath. There was just a string of his mother's words constantly flowing through his mind. It was all around him. He felt phantom tugs at his arms to run to go to get out of here. He scrunched his eyes tight and brought his hands to his face.

And a hand touched his shoulder but that wasn't right. That couldn't be right. How could his mom possibly be here? No, no she wouldn't have been so gentle. He needed to focus. This was just Aaron. When he opened his eyes it would be to blonde hair and pale skin and he'd calm down and be able to climb the stairs and everything would be fine.

He could do it. He just had to open his eyes, "Just, just give me- give me a minute. I'll- I just need to-", Someone was counting something.

And then the hand was there again and he wriggled out of the contact, "No, no don't touch me. Don't touch me."

And it listened. He listened. The hand was gone. And he could hear the rustling of fabric. It sounded like a tent. That didn't make sense yet so he focused on it. The swish swish was over to his left. He dug his hands further into his eyes to try and remember the layout of the house he'd seen on their short walk to the stairs. It was a room with couches. Someone was over there. And someone's breathing was right in front of him. One person wasn't accounted for. But it was fine, these were just Aaron's people. They weren't threats.

"Aaron." It sounded broken when it came out but his breathing was finally getting under control. He moved his hands from his eyes, someone had turned the light in the stairway off so it was calm and dark. His socks were gross, he probably should have taken them off when he got in. Raising his gaze he saw pale and blonde but it wasn't right.

"Take another guess."

Andrew.

"Where is he? Where's Aaron?"

And he wrestled with his breathing. He was not going to freak out. This was just another of Aaron's people. He'd protected him in the yard, it wouldn't make sense to switch sides now. His hands were going numb.

"He's in the bathroom, he doesn't like blood."

Neil didn't know when they'd switched places.

"But he wants to be a doctor?"

Andrew gave him a look he couldn't figure out. As it turns out the swishing was from the other man, the one he didn't recognize, pacing. He was wearing parachute pants. That's what his mom would have called them. They were bright blue.

When the man saw him staring he perked up, "Feeling better? I locked all the doors so that guy can't get in."

It seemed like a gesture more than an actual act of security but he appreciated it nonetheless.

"Oh, I'm Nicky! Sorry I forgot to introduce myself. Nice to meet you." He took a step forward, probably just to shake his hand but Andrew gave him a look that had him stop a few feet away. The twins must not be the only ones with a psychic link. Neil always wished he and his mother had that. Would have made things a lot more convenient when they had to be absolutely silent.

So Nicky must have been the adult of the house. Penny had made fun of him for saying adult instead of parent. She made fun of everyone about everything though so he didn't mind.

"Is he gonna come out soon?"

He looked between Nicky and Andrew neither made a move but Nicky had an apologetic expression on so he doubted he'd be coming out anytime soon. Andrew abandoned his post a few feet in front of him and stood in front of a white door to the left of the staircase. That must have been the bathroom. Nicky seemed to just be watching him at the door so Neil did the same. Knocking gently he called out his brothers name, there was no response.

Andrew turned to look at him and Neil hobbled to stand up. His feet were fine really, he was just exhausted. When he looked down to see the stains his feet left behind Neil mouthed a "sorry" to Nicky who waved him off. He made it to the doorway, "Aaron? It's Neil. Sorry about that," Andrew shot him a look but he didn't know what for, "Um, I'm okay now. And uh, my feet are fine. It's just surface stuff. I walked to the door so you know it's fine. Thank you for trying to take care of me but I'm okay now. Uh,"

When he looked to Nicky and Andrew they were both just watching him with unhelpful expressions, boredom and the personification of "aww". He didn't know what else to say.

"Well, um, you know those granola bars? They were very very good and I looked for the brand but could never find them," he hadn't looked, known the brand was far too expensive, but one of the food pantries he would go to would sometime have them, "You really helped me out with those. And you're helping me now too, so thank you."

He kept his eyes on the door hearing the little sniffles from inside, "Just by being inside somewhere dry my feet are already doing better. Right? I feel like you said something about that being an important part of healing."

There was a quiet, "yeah", from behind the door so he counted that as a win.

"I don't know if this is gross but I kind of need your help with some gravel that got stuck in them. I won't be able to reach and well, I trust you. Um-"

And the door opened and Aaron had composed himself. He didn't even look like he'd been crying. Neil was impressed.

"Sit on the toilet, I'll get some tweezers." And he darted upstairs so Neil did what he said.

Andrew looked in at him from the doorway. They just held eye contact for maybe 30 seconds. Neil didn't know what he wanted, Andrew gave nothing away with his expression. Aaron called down from the top of the stairs, "Nicky where'd you leave the tweezers?" Instead of answering Nicky climbed up the stairs to help him look.

Neil didn't love being alone with Andrew but aside from the weird eye contact he hadn't done anything concerning. He probably had knives in the sheaths on his arms. They weren't obviously holding anything but there was a slight bulge towards his elbow that must have been the handle to a knife. Neil didn't have any energy left to panic so he just excepted it. His mom would have been so fucking mad at him.

"Need something to eat? A granola bar maybe."

Okay so Andrew was a bit of an asshole.

As Aaron came back down the stairs, a pair of tweezers in hand Andrew slipped down the hallway and out of sight. An easy smile was back on Aaron's face. Maybe it wasn't a smile, just a pleasant little thing that seemed like a smile compared to Andrew's nothing expression. Neil liked it.

He pulled the little step stool from the sink towards the toilet. He was only a few inches taller than the twins so he couldn't laugh. He wanted to though. Neil just sat on the lid waiting. Once Aaron let out a little huff and grabbed Neil's foot he realized what he'd wanted him to do. Once again, stupid.

Aaron peeled off the nearly destroyed sock and went to throw it in the trash. Neil must have let out a little wince sound though because it just stayed pinched between the very tips of his fingers. Aaron was looking at him.

"They're my only pair."

Aaron let it drop, "You can have a pair or two of mine." He grabbed Neil's other sock and did the same and he mourned his fallen companions. How fucking sad.

Neil tried to float off while Aaron did his work. The sting of alcohol on his cuts was sadly familiar and kept him grounded to the present. Aaron would make a good doctor.

"You think so?"

And shit, he'd said that aloud. Had he said other things out loud?

"Yeah man. You've been mumbling a bunch. I assumed it was leftover anxiety stuff."

"Oh shit. Did I say anything stupid?"

Aaron dropped a piece of gravel into the trash can and it tinked at the bottom, "Everything you say is stupid. I think you called my brother an asshole." He was smiling when he said it so Neil wasn't too concerned with repercussions.

"He kind of is."

"What did he say? Outside?" This seemed like a change of topic but Neil was too fucking tired to figure out the meaning of his new tone. Aaron seemed to be done with the extraction in one foot and was spreading some clear gel thing all over the soles of Neil's feet. It was tingly.

"He just wanted to know why I was here. Or like, specifically here. Like your house."

Aaron moved to wipe his hand on a towel and start wrapping up his right foot. It already felt better, "and what did you tell him?" Aaron didn't look at Neil when he asked. That seemed odd but he couldn't place why.

"Just that I was running from- from Jin and happened to puke when I passed your yard. I didn't even know it was yours until you came onto the porch."

He winced at a particularly deep one. It was really lodged in there. 

"What were you planning on doing? It's raining really bad out there. Were you just gonna hide out somewhere? I mean, where do you usually stay?"

Neil was annoyed and impressed with Aaron's ability to make him feel cared for and like a complete idiot. He had purposefully dodged around saying the words "house" or "lived". He'd always been annoyingly smart.

"Honestly? I was gonna go through my contacts and ask people if I could spend the night. If that didn't work there's a bathroom at that park, the one with the horse statues. They don't lock the doors at night. Then I'd figure out a plan in the morning."

Aaron laughed at him a little. He knew it was a sad laugh. A "you're a fucking dumbass" laugh. "Well then you probably would have ended up here anyway right? I mean A comes kind of early."

And Neil just let out a little "Oh."

Aaron would have let him stay the night if he'd texted. Maybe he really was destined to end up here at Aaron's house. He pushed a tear from his cheek he knew Aaron would ignore. 

He was very methodical in the treatment of Neil's feet. He handled them gently but firm at the same time. They were cleaned and wrapped in no time. Aaron patted the top of them before standing and he groaned when he stood up. Maybe that's what Penny saw in him when she called him a grandpa. Aaron very much acted like how Neil imagined a grandpa might act. He had never met someone in the context of being someone else's grandpa. He had met Marks grandma, but never anyone's grandpa. He wondered if that was a normal thing to never have done. Probably. How common could grandpa's be?

Aaron washed his hands quickly before offering a hand to Neil, "You walked to the door, doesn't mean you can make it to the couch on your own. And for your own pride I won't let you buttscoot your way there." He left his hand floating until Neil processed what he'd said.

"Buttscoot?"

Aaron grabbed his hand and heaved him up, "Someone's gotta teach you how to be a real boy, huh?"

They limped together towards the room with couches, Nicky was throwing the cushions off, "Uhh?" Aaron just held Neil where he was. He truly had no idea what was going on. That was until, Nicky revealed the couch for what it truly was. A pull-out. Aaron snickered and whispered a little "stupid" under his breath. Neil just smiled.

Once Nicky extravagantly swooshed a blanket into the air so it would fall straight on the little makeshift bed, Aaron lead him over. Neil wobbled a bit in his turn-around and fell rather hard on the mattress. He just laughed, this was all so weird. So so so incredibly weird. He whispered his thanks to Aaron who just pushed pillows and quilts at Neil. He took them in his daze. He was so comfortable it was crazy. 

"This is crazy."

Nicky chuckled, "Too much?"

Neil shook his head and steeled his expression into something he hoped would convey his seriousness, "Thank you. For everything." Aaron just threw another pillow at him and sat on the other couch, moving to turn on the tv.

Nicky headed back towards the stairs, "I'm gonna go back to bed. Um, goodnight everybody! Oh Neil, what do you like for breakfast? If we don't have it I can get Erik to pick something up on his way home." He looked expectant. He was smiling so widely Neil thought his cheeks would hurt if he were in the man's position. Maybe that was just his nature. Neil didn't think he was meant to smile so often. Some people were and some weren't. Neil and Nicky were opposites in that way, but then the smile wavered, "Neil?"

Shit he was lost in his thoughts again.

"Sorry, um, whatever you have will be fine."

And then Nicky was gone.

"Erik's kind of like an uncle I guess? I mean he's Nicky's fiancé and Nicky's our cousin so he's technically like a cousin in law or something. But we just call him Erik because nothing quite fits. He's working night shifts this week, he's a doctor." 

"Like not-quite uncle like nephew."

Aaron rolled his eyes, "That barely made sense."

Neil laughed, "Not my fault I'm dehydrated as fuck. I'm not a camel Aaron."

He stood up with an expression Neil was getting more used to, the one that meant this person could't believe they were talking to someone so dumb. There was a smile mixed in, "I'll get you some water, do you need food or anything? Never mind, I'll bring you something."

Neil just kind of sat there trying to rationalize the last 5 hours.This required a more well rested brain, Neil thought. It still wasn't making any sense. 

There was a call from the kitchen, "Hey Neil! Your phone won't stop ringing and buzzing, do you want me to bring it to you?" A kettle was getting close to whistling. 

Neil knew who was calling and texting. He only had like 12 numbers in his phone and only 4 really had any reason to be calling. Especially this late and this often. He truly knew who was calling and why, but there was a small tiny part of him that worried it was someone else. Someone more dangerous. A high pitched shriek brought him out of his thoughts and he heard Aaron take the kettle off the stove. 

"Don't let it get all the way, Nicky's sleeping."

"Shit I know. Sorry."

Neil felt like he wasn't supposed to be hearing that.

Andrew appeared in the doorway holding his bag and the spike of panic in his chest lifted as soon as Andrew lobbed it at him, "Answer it or silence it. Don't just leave it to sing." and he disappeared into the kitchen again. 

Neil undid the zipper as soon as he was alone again. It was fraying on the end and if he wasn't careful the little tag part that kept it zipped would fly right off. He'd have to get a new bag soon. There was the tiniest stain on the inside that his mother had left there. it was someone's blood, he didn't know if it was her's or the guy she'd just killed. She had stabbed him, grabbed the bag, and ran to the car where Neil was waiting. She had flung it on his lap and told him to close it and not let anyone else touch it. He did. He had. He wouldn't be able to sooner or later.

The thing was fucking falling apart. 

He pulled out the little flip phone that rattled the same tune over and over again. He flipped it open to see Penelope's name under the CALLING. He didn't want to answer it. He declined it and moved to check some of the texts.

Jin - 17  
Penelope - 9  
Mark - 21  
Eva- 1

The group chat was empty. 

He put the phone on silent. Aaron reappeared carrying two cups of instant noodles in one hand and a cup of water in the other. Neil was oddly impressed. He reached out for the noodles and Aaron let it go. Neil wondered if he'd have that much control over his own fingers. Releasing just the one he intended to. That seemed rather hard.

He put the cup of water on the little side table next to the couch and let out a similar old-an groan as he sat down. Neil threw his phone into his bag and decided he wasn't going to look at any of their messages until the morning. 

Grabbing the remote, Aaron turned on the tv and some reality show started playing instantly. He explained the rules to Neil who couldn't really follow them. It was some race but it was also in a bunch of countries. And Aaron said he wanted anyone but Rob and Amber to win, Neil could latch on to that detail and let out little rude comments about the duo. Aaron laughed at most of them so Neil considered it a win. It was a very confusing show. Aaron said it was his favorite but he only watched it late at night because Andrew hated it.

"Why does he hate it?"

He seemed shocked to hear Neil's voice at all. Besides the little comments he'd essentially been talking to himself since he'd left the kitchen so it made sense. Still, he looked a little more rattled than Neil thought the situation called for.

"Well, he knew someone who was on it."

That didn't really make sense, "What does tha-"

And Neil was fucking stupid for not noticing, but suddenly Andrew was in the room with the remote in his hand, taken directly from Aaron's. He turned the tv off as he said, "None of your business red."

Then he walked up the stairs to where Neil guessed was his room. 

Aaron was grumbling to himself about dramatics and nicknames as he reached for where the remote had been tossed. He still didn't turn it back on until the door of Andrew's room was closed.

"Sorry, I didn't realize he was still down here. He usually doesn't stay up this late."

Neil just nodded and watched as the episode ended with Amber and Rob getting first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope yo enjoyed the chapter!


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